Drama Triangle: A Tale Of The Man Cold

In my prior post I discussed the Drama Triangle and what it was. However, if you’re like me it may help to have it in story format.

So, let's take a common drama triangle situation... The man cold. 

Now I'm not saying every man is like this but there is a stereotype for a reason. For this example, I'm going to caricature my husband and my relationship. Please don't worry about us.  We aren't really this dramatic.  And if we were, we wouldn't really tell you. OK so let's get onto my analogy.

One day my husband and I both have a cold. My husband says his cold is worse than mine and he decides to stay home, whereas I need to go to work because as a therapist how can I stay home when I'm not dying? 

So, I go to work, and I see, let's say, 8 clients in between my husband’s constant texting about how sick he is.  At the end of the day, I am beat! 

So, being the therapist that I am, I decided that what I get home, I'm not going to enter into the drama triangle. 

I come up with my truths. 

1 - I love my husband 

2 - I'm sick 

3 - I need to go to bed. 

As I'm driving home, I keep repeating this to myself knowing that there may be an issue up ahead because this has happened in the past.

I walk through the door and my husband is lying on the couch and he cries out to me “I'm so sick. I can barely move.  I haven't been able to make anything for myself all day. Will you make me some soup?”

OK, now before we continue on with the story what role do you think my husband is playing here? 

Did you guess the victim? OK, that was an easy one.  What role is he wanting me to play?

Did you guess rescuer? Yes! Good job! 

He wants me to play the rescuer.  He knows I'm sick.  But he wants me to do something that may not be in my best interest (i.e. relaxing after a long day). 

Please don't assume that anytime your husband or wife asks you to do something that they're in the drama triangle. This is an exaggeration just to show you how the roles could work in the drama triangle. 

OK, so you’ve got the first part.  How one person can play one role, to try to get you to play another.  Let’s move on to part 2!

I reply (trying to stay out of the drama triangle) “Babe, I love you.  I'm sick, and I'm going to bed.” 

Now I'm being healthy here, holding my boundaries and staying out of the drama triangle. 

Now what’s a man to do when their partner won’t engage in the drama triangle and let them play victim?

Push harder for the drama triangle! 

This may sound something like “but babe I've been so sick, I feel so weak, I just really need your help.” However, if I keep replying as if I were a parrot, “babe, I love you, I'm sick, and I'm going to bed.” He will eventually realize that I'm not going to enter into the drama triangle with him. 

So, what's a fella to do when they really want to be in the drama triangle and their partner isn't joining them there?

Change Roles

Let’s pretend that he decides to go to the persecutor. It may look something like this “But babe! When you were sick last, I made you chicken noodle soup! And last weekend even though I didn't feel like going to your family function I still went! And I helped you with your computer when I was tired, and I stayed up late for you! Etc etc”

Now what's a girl to do with this? Well, it's pretty easy... Yell back! 

“What do you mean you made me chicken noodle soup when we were sick last? You mean when I was sick, and you were completely fine? And yeah, I made you go to the family function. Because you're part of the family! And I'm sorry you decided to stay up on the computer and work on it late. But I didn't ask you to do that, I just told you that something wasn't working with it!”

Well, there you have it folks now I'm officially a persecutor. Yelling at my husband telling him what a jerk he is. And really just being an *******. And now that I'm in the persecutor role guess what role that leaves open for my husband? The victim! “Babe, why are you yelling at me? I just wanted some chicken noodles soup! I didn't mean to make you so upset. I'm just so sick.”

Do you see how tricky that was? 

To be honest my husband wasn't thinking when we had this conversation, “oh I really like to play the victim and she's not letting me be the victim. Well then, I'm gonna be a persecutor. And after she starts yelling at me, I’ll switch back to being a victim. Victims for life!”

Nope, that is all in your subconscious and that's all how we've been taught to have arguments. But the reason I'm coming out of the story is to let you see that this is so simple to do. So don't start pointing fingers at family or friends or coworkers and instead maybe look at yourself.

But let's get back to the story. In fact, let's rewind the story and pretend that when he starts yelling, instead of me going after him, I become the little parrot that I am with my truths and say “babe, I love you, I'm sick, and I'm going to bed.” Well, we may go back and forth with him possibly trying a few more persecutor type sentences. However, as long as I'm the little parrot he's not going to be able to pull me into that drama triangle. 

So, he's going to try one more tactic that he has and that would be the role of the rescuer.

Role Change AGAIN

“Babe, you're right, I'm so sorry. You know what you go lie down and I'll make you soup. Even though I'm not feeling good you did put in a full day of work. And you know I'm sure that I can get up enough energy to at least go and open a can of soup and cook it for you. It's OK. I love you.”

... Well now don't you just feel like shit?...

So, what is a loving wife to do with this empathetic statement? “Babe, no it's fine. I'll make you your soup. Just lie down. I'll be back.” So now what role am I in? Yeah, I finally succumbed, and I've become the rescuer. Now do I like the rescuer? Maybe not but that isn't the point here. The point is that my truths were ignored and I'm now engaging in the drama triangle where I'm letting him be the victim while I be the rescuer. So how do we stay out of this? The same way we stayed out of any of the others. 

“Babe, I love you, I'm sick, I'm going to bed.” 

Conclusion

So, what did you think? Does the Drama Triangle make more sense?

Remember this story is an exaggeration. The Drama Triangle probably will be more subtle than this. Don’t worry if you don’t see it right away and accidentally get in it. Just take a breath and start speaking your truth. Eventually you will gain the skills to see it quicker and either avoid being pulled in or get out of it quickly.

Finding Help Through Therapy

If we let the drama triangle roles rule our lives, they can make our lives a living hell because we can develop unhealthy patterns of behaviors with those around us. 

The good news is that we don’t have to live in the Drama Triangle and can develop healthy ways of interacting outside of it that not only meet our needs but can also help us develop stronger relationships. At 1st Degree of Change , we offer therapy that address unhealthy behaviors, trauma, anxiety and adhd, serving individuals with online therapy and telehealth available anywhere in Arizona, Florida and Massachusetts. 

To get started, or if you have questions about helping yourself or a loved one, call us  or schedule a free consultation today so we can talk about how things can change for the better.