How Drama Triangle Roles Develop

If you’re here I’m assuming that you’ve read my past blogs and understand the basics of the Drama Triangle.

OK, so you may be asking yourself, “why, if all of these are negative, would anybody ever want to be one of them”. 

Well the truth is we all have a special role in the drama triangle that we find comfy and cozy. 

We learn these as young children. 

Roles Learned As Children With “Healthy” Parents

Rescuer

The rescuer role may be learned by children being taught to share in an unhealthy manner. For instance parents may teach their children that they have to share no matter what. So if a person ask for their favorite toy? Share it. The brand new train they got for their birthday? Share it. The one granola bar that was brought to the park for their snack and another child asks for it? Yep you guessed it - share it!

Victim

Victim roles can be taught to children by parents not letting children explore or make mistakes. The parenting style that’s been called out recently that promotes the victim mentality is the Helicopter Parent. With this parenting children are constantly hovered over by parents who are teaching them that the world is unsafe and if anything negative happens to them someone should address their need immediately. It doesn’t matter if they scraped their knee, lost a game, or  got told they couldn’t have another’s snack - these children are never in the wrong and the world should meet their needs! 

Persecutor

Persecutor roles can be taught by parents who don’t hold boundaries with their children. These parents may be the ones who have the children terrorizing the restaurant and instead of enforcing boundaries (which children crave) they instead let children wander unrestrained. The children then see other adults giving them attention as they yell at them to stop or try to enforce boundaries. These children see their negative behavior as possibly the only way to get their desire for attention and structure from others.

Roles Learned As Children With “Unhealthy” Parents

Rescuer

A rescuer can occur when parents don’t encourage sharing and potentially don’t give that child attention. Since the child is not getting attention they will seek it out in their environment. So if one day the child shares with a classmate or friend and is praised by an adult they may see this as a way to get their desired attention. So people unconciously teach the child that to get their needs met they must do things to serve others such as helping teachers clean their classroom during recess or a “friend” only playing with the child after receiving a snack or token.

Victim

Victims can also have a flip side to their development as well. If a parent doesn’t meet their needs at all a child could start taking on the victim role because that is when their needs are met either by parents who are now forced to address a potential injury or another person who takes pity on them. Since children naturally crave attention a child who lacks attention can see any attention as positive so they constantly seek out being the victim because this is the only way they have seen attention being given to them.

Persecutor

A persecutor will often have parents blamed and stereotyped as aggressive parents. However while children can learn any of the Drama Triangle roles from parents lets look a this a little differently. What if they child has parents who meet their needs physically but aren’t their emotionally for their children? In this case a child may act up in school to get attention. When a child is trying to disrupt a class of 25-30 kids what does any teacher do? Give that child more attention by changing their seat to be closer to their desk, talking with them, setting an example in front of the class about them, or even sending them to the principal’s office where they are forced to speak one on one with an adult. 

The Drama Triangle

Even if you’re the perfect parent your child will still develop a role in the Drama Triangle because it’s normal! The purpose of this information isn’t to make you feel bad but aware of how it can sneak up on everybody throughout the world.

These are the roles that everybody has learned to take on at some point. There's nothing wrong or right about them they are just what they are.  You can see how they might have evolved adaptively from the situations we covered above. 

Finding Help Through Therapy

If we let the drama triangle roles rule our lives, they can make our lives a living hell because we can develop unhealthy patterns of behaviors with those around us. 

The good news is that we don’t have to live in the Drama Triangle and can develop healthy ways of interacting outside of it that not only meet our needs but can also help us develop stronger relationships. At 1st Degree of Change , we offer therapy that address unhealthy behaviors, trauma, anxiety and adhd, serving individuals with online therapy and telehealth available anywhere in Arizona, Florida and Massachusetts. 

To get started, or if you have questions about helping yourself or a loved one, call us  or schedule a free consultation today so we can talk about how things can change for the better.