Stuck In Drama? Let’s Fix That
“I feel like I’m in High School again!”
“I’m too old for this s#*t”
So back in the day Dr. Stephen Karpman came up with what he called the Drama Triangle. It’s commonly understood by a lot of therapists out there but for some reason hasn’t hit mainstream media yet.
You can read about it directly from the source (*) orrrrr, you can hear about it from me - with Shana filter applied.
Regardless, it’s important to check it out. Every one of the HUNDREDS of clients I’ve shared this with, have been blown away.
What is the Drama Triangle?
It’s the idea that within any drama, argument, or conflict there are at least two players taking part in the drama. These two players can be playing any of one of the three roles in the triangle (I know shocking that there’s three roles – right?).
The three roles are Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer. It seems like these are self-explanatory but for those in the back of the class let’s discuss what they are.
Drama Triangle: Persecutor
The persecutor is the is the aggressor in the situation. They're the ones who say it is always your fault and they're going to lay the blame on you. This doesn't mean that they're always the ones who are yelling. But let’s be honest, the odds are definitely higher than they are.
Drama Triangle: Victim
The victim is the person who is always going to think that life is handing them sour lemons. They're the people who feel that everyone is out to get them, and the world is an unfair place.
Drama Triangle: Rescuer
Lastly you have the rescuers. These are the people who typically put others needs before their own to their own detriment. These are the people who, when their house burned down, still volunteered to serve the community.
Drama Triangle: The Interplay
You might be thinking that it’s best to be the Rescuer, of the three options. Maybe. But keep this in mind, if you step in as the rescuer, it forces the other person to choose one of the remaining two roles.
So, while society praises rescuers, there are actually negative consequences to each role.
Negative Consequences
Persecutor - Due to their aggressive bx they can be seen as bullies (a nice way to say assholes). These people can ostracize family, friends, and co-workers because of their aggression.
Victim - People may see these people as “needy” or “emotional vampires” because they seem to find something to whine about all the time. Victims may be able to pull people into their circles for a little bit but eventually can burn out their network leaving the victim to feel alone, and that people are rejecting them.
Rescuer - Family and close friends may stop being near rescuers because the rescuer is constantly ignoring their needs to help someone else. However, the most important negative here is internal for the rescuers because they can easily burn themselves out and/or put themselves in unhealthy situations.
Drama – everyone remembers it from high school and most hope to leave it there. However, it has a sneaky way of infiltrating your life so that you feel trapped. How does it do this? Why is it happening? And how can you get the fuck out of it? In this brief (hopefully) blog I’m going to address what many people are experiencing in their daily life – the Drama Triangle.
Why Is The Drama Triangle Bad?
If we end up living in the drama triangle our relationships will not be successful. And these relationships don't have to be just romantic. It can be family relationships, friendships, work relationships, and any other interaction you have with people. But the thing to remember is that we can't be in the drama triangle all alone. So even though these can be comfy areas for us to live in, at times it's no fun to be alone in it. Think about it if you're a victim and there's no one to see that you're a victim, what fun is there in that? So, what we end up doing is we take these negative roles, and we pull other people in.
How do we pull people in, you may ask? Well, that's a good question.
The way we pull people in is by trying to use our favorite role in the drama triangle. So, if I'm a victim I may try and get you to be a persecutor or a rescuer. I do this so that I can be comfortable in the drama triangle. However, if you're not going to enter into my drama triangle then I may switch roles with the intent that I pull you in to another role and then can switch myself back to my favorite.
Now this is kind of a hard concept and, honestly when I first heard it, I was a little fuzzy on the details. So, just in case you feel fuzzy too - here’s a story that will make it clear.
Before we go to story time though let’s talk about what to do if we don't want to be in the drama triangle.
How To Get Out Of The Drama Triangle
Well, there's an easy way to stay out of it (and as you know in therapy anytime a therapist says easy, we really mean it's gonna be painful and hard but eventually you'll get it).
The way that we stay out of the drama triangle is that we know our truths.
And these truths aren't just simple things that we kind of sort of know but we kind of waiver about too. So, for instance a wavering truth for me is what my favorite flavor of ice cream is. Some days it may be mint chocolate chip, don't be a hater, but other days it might be chocolate peanut butter or rocky road or maybe I just feel like plain vanilla. It's rare but it can happen.
But our truths that we know with our whole heart are things that aren't going to waver and are not going to change.
So, for instance I know that my truth is that I love the mountains over the beach. My truth is that my favorite color is blue. My truth is that I’m allergic to latex.
Now are these life changing truths? No. But they are my truths. They are a part of who I am.
If somebody is trying to drag you into the drama triangle, knowing your TRUTH is your key to stay out (or get out) of the drama triangle.
You can stay out of the drama triangle by continually stating your truths over and over again instead of engaging in whatever crap is being thrown at you.
Therefore, hone your inner parrot and just keep speaking your truths. It may drive them mad, but you can never go wrong by stating your truths.
Finding Help Through Therapy
At 1st Degree of Change , we offer therapy that address trauma, anxiety and adhd, serving individuals with online therapy and telehealth available anywhere in Arizona, Florida and Massachusetts.
To get started, or if you have questions about helping yourself or a loved one, call us or schedule a free consultation today so we can talk about how things can change for the better.
References:
* A Game Free Life by Stephen B. Karpman, MD or https://karpmandramatriangle.com/
